follow-through.

i wish i was better at following through. i used to be great at it; i used to value it above much else. but lately a symptom of this mid-twenties "what on earth am i doing with my life? what is my calling and passion?" has been inconsistency and lack of motivation. i make goals and promises to myself that i am going to "do this" (insert my pervious blog post that promised to blog more) and "be that", but somewhere along the lines i lost the motivation for follow through. this is new for me, and i really don't like the way that it fits.

i had a long spa date the other day with a very good friend, and one of the wisest people i know. i left that date with a renewed sense of purpose and new set of goals, and it feels oh so good. action is always the best medicine. who knew growing into adulthood and into yourself would be such a task and would require so much strength and energy?

little victories.

source. and lots of other beautiful images.

lately i've been thinking a lot about honesty and transparency and what that should look like on this little blog of mine. i've been finding it so easy to hide the dark and only show the pretty.

(as if my life is solely date nights and colorful pictures and happy stories.)

and while i think there is nothing wrong with sharing in our joys and the nice and simple things of life (and don't think that all of my dirty laundry necessarily needs to be aired out on the internet) i do want to be real and genuine and a little more stimulating.

with that said, dear readers, you must know that i am totally and completely devastated by what is happening in japan (as i know most of you are as well.) i've been finding myself having little breakdowns throughout the day, not wanting to do much of anything besides watch the news and cry. in the moments that i'm able to escape that feeling (like watching brad give out the final rose, or enjoying an americano and cake pop at starbucks) i am shortly after flooded with guilt. it's affecting my relationships and my daily activities and i have no idea how to mourn all of this.

in college i took a class called the african american experience (my favorite class ever), and the professor brought to light something that comes back to me often. he taught us that joy and pain can coexist, and i've had to relearn that lesson over and over again. God wants us to mourn, but he also wants us to dance. what does that looks like right now? i have no idea. but does wallowing in my guilt do anything to help anybody? nope. so i press on. i pray. i choose to let my pain turn to action (somehow, someway) and rejoice in the little victories.

little victories like:

1. finally putting wedding pictures up in our home. 2. getting this text from chad proving that he actually loves the bachelor. 3. coming to work to find that my five year old friend left me love notes. 4. helping that five year old with her homework.

5. the above mentioned cake pop (delicious). 6. staying in the heart of la to celebrate this pretty lady's 25th. 7. skyping with my sister. 8. heaven in ice-cream form.

a note to self:

that life is good.

lately things have been a bit nutsy. mister got a new job that required him to learn everything there is to know about fancy food and wine, so this past week he was studying every second that he was not working. (but he did pass his test!) and my work schedule is always pretty insane, so we only saw each other in passing and really late at night. that on top of the fact that pretty much everyone i know is going through something really difficult right now... it's all given me a heavy heart and (i hate to say it) a cynical taste in my mouth this past week. (and i really dislike cynicism.)

but today i woke up, made my coffee, opened all of the windows and was flooded with thankfulness. life is hard, yes. but it is also good. how many times must i learn the lesson that pain and joy can coexist? hard doesn't always mean bad. we were never promised a easy life. in fact, let's be honest... an easy life sounds kind of dull.

so today, in the face of difficulty and ambiguity, i am thankful for:

my education. (and the beauties who i got it with.)

a husband who can handle my crazy and bring me back to sanity.

iron & wine and their new album.

modern family.

that i get to work here, in this cute little cottage, and not in some cubicle or office building somewhere.

the idea that i get to fly back to swaziland and hug on these little beauties this summer.

double-stuffed oreos and peanut-butter.

french-pressed coffee.

the sunshine.

and the grace of a God who doesn't expect me to be perfect, just loving.

preach it.